I have grown comfortable with the thought that anything big cannot be beautiful. I have concluded that a certain “big” is more appreciated than overly fat. That each weight group has a certain kind of “big.” There’s that solid big person who doesn’t really jiggle, but whose considered “big-boned.” There’s that tall round kinda big where you’re not just overweight but you’re taller than the average male/female. There’s that obese by medical definition, but well put together “big.” Then there’s that flabby, skin hanging, round tub tummy big where there are rolls and rolls of fat dangling from various parts of the body.
It’s hard to tell who defines your “big.” Some people are big and around big people so big doesn’t look so big which means that bigger than the biggest person you see defines “big.” For models the skinniest model with the sexiest curves defines big. For some people the doctor defines “big” and demands you do something about it. Media images define “big.” Clothing stores define “big.” Media and clothing stores combined define “big” in the mind of everyone around you therefore their comments define “big.” There you are….somewhere in between the plus size section of a clothing store and the door. All you can hear is the doctor pronouncing you obese or the stranger that offers you extra space on public transportation or the family member that reminds you that you have gained weight. That is the moment you begin to define your “big.”
This blog post will not solve your “big” problem. It does not include fitness tips and healthy food recommendations. This post is just to say I understand. I am constantly defining my “big” and trying to figure how to keep healthy. I am constantly trying to define my “big” while coping with the eyes of those who have defined themselves as skinnier than I. I am constantly trying to define my “big” while wondering how I got so fat in the first place. I am constantly defining my “big” by the possibility that I will always be “big.” How will I live with that? How will the people around me live with that? They won’t because they don’t get it. The world does not understand how I am affected by it. I often do not understand how I affect the world. Something’s gotta give. Depression is the step after guilt. Defining my “big” is necessary to make myself “OK” with what is an uphill battle for what is currently a cosmetic change. I am not unhealthy. Fat alone doesn’t make you unhealthy. It’s what the excess fat does to your body that makes you unhealthy. So far I am not “big” enough to have weight pulling at my heart or have high cholesterol, or high blood pressure. For those of you who are take your medicine.
I could go on and on! I think I will stop here and pick this post up another day. Today its gloomy outside and I woke up defining my “big” as the fight against what Narcolepsy does to my metabolism. I woke up realizing that I took some weight loss pills yesterday that are probably eating away at my insides as I type this. Today my “big” is defined by how hard it will be to ignore just how “big” I’ve gotten.
Thank you to those who will respond to this post with how beautiful I am and how I should focus on God and how I should just exercise. Thank you to those who will suggest everything but actually figuring a way they can actually help. I understand. You just have to comment and I am grateful to have you here. You are part of the reasons that depressing moments like this will only last till the end of this blog post.