Dear first love to ever hurt me,
This letter is probably everything you’re expecting. It’s proof that I’m alive. Proof that I can type which means I still have fingers. It’s proof that what happened between us had a huge impact on my life. This letter is…well…honestly it is a part of my “101 Things in 1001 Days” bucket list. Being that I created the list their has to be some reason I listed “write a letter to the first love that hurt me” on it so I guess it means something. It’s been 7 years and I still remember the way it felt to love you. I remember the way missing you while in love with you was the deepest yearning I’ve ever known. There’s not much to be said except that I’m pretty sure we’ve both let go. You’re married and well I’m dating women. ha! Who knew?
This letter is not one of those “i need closure” or “i need to get something off my chest” type of letters. It’s me talking to me as if I am talking to you type of letters. Reflection is what this is. Somewhere in you I lost me and I think I may find her in this letter. Sometimes you appear in my dreams. I really don’t think it’s because I miss you. It’s because I miss the me I was with you. The open hearted me. The college me. The “in love” me. The “I’ll give up my world for him” me. For safety purposes, I’ve consider our time together a silly delusional daydream. We would dip out of work just to go to a matinee. We would have sex in your office. We would talk and laugh for hours. We had our own jokes. What we had set the bar for my love life forever. I want to erase that.
I am not one to regret anything, but it would be nice to time travel back to swap the heart I had then with the heart I know now. The essence of me is just fine. There’s some little part of emotion tugging at my logic. I’ve had to ask myself on more than one occasion “can you ever love like that again?” I had a forgiving love for you. I loved you more than myself. Our drama implanted the thought that this was an incorrect way to love someone. Being in love with you and being hurt by you made me feel like there was something wrong with being in love.
When you love someone that strong you’re supposed to be with them, right? No. When I think of my greatest love I think of you. When I think of my greatest pain I see your smiling face in my head. Somewhere between love and hurt were the good days. I have to get back to knowing that good days and emotion can co-exist. If there’s anything I haven’t let go it’s not necessarily you in the physical sense it’s you in the emotional sense. None of this may matter or make any sense to you, it’s my list and I get to do what I want before I die because I plan to. So this will be the one thing that I have done concerning you that is not at all about YOU! 🙂
p.s. you will never read this, but I found me somewhere near the third paragraph. This makes me happy.