What is this term that means so much yet feels so unsafe? Vulnerability. The ability to be “vulnerable.” One of the reasons I am unable to be emotional is because I have to define everything before engaging in it. Now that I actually google the definition for the word vulnerable I am not exactly sure I want to be vulnerable. The web definitions found explain that vulnerability is the state of being exposed to the possibility of being harmed or attacked. Well, I have now scared myself out of being vulnerable. Who wants to be exposed to the possibility of attack? Knowingly? Why? For love?
HERE IT IS…THE POINT WHERE I LOSE ALL EMOTIONS…
First, I visit the idea of something emotional, then I define the emotion, and finally I decide to not feel the emotion. As of this moment I am feeling like I don’t want to be vulnerable at all. Maybe this is just a fancy way of saying when we seek or find relationships we let our guards down. What if letting your guard down lets a terrorist in, ya know, the love gobbling mate that shoots down your heart? “Ah ha!” Trust is a part of vulnerability. What does this even mean? I have to trust that he/she is possibly ok to let into my safe space because I desperately want to rid myself of some emotion. Is this why people want to fall in love so much? Are we all walking bottles of water just waiting for the cap to be twisting or our sides to be pierced in relief? I want to fall into someone’s arms and feel safe there. However, these feelings come once a month or on during chick flicks. How real is this yearning for these special love arms?
Step 2: If I am ever going to allow myself the comfort of vulnerability I have to trust. I cannot use definitions as a barrier between the realization of emotion and the actual feeling of the emotion. At the same time I have to find a way to evaluate my feelings without the evaluation turning me so cold.
Today is the first day of March. This month I am challenging everyone out there as well as myself to dedicate themselves to working on one or more aspects of their life for 31 days! This challenge was inspired by DJ Heat (www.djheatdc.com)…she is challenging herself, I am challenging myself, you should challenge yourself!
Here is what I am challenging myself to during the 2012 MMM Challenge:
- Workout everyday at least 30 minutes a day
- No fast food
- Write everyday
- Cook every Sunday
- Promote my Kickstarter campaign everyday (www.sheseven.com)
Workout everyday at least 30 minutes a day
30 minutes of cardio a day keeps the doctor, the fat, and some of the fatigue away! Having narcolepsy makes it difficult for me to workout because most days I am lethargic. I often feel like I am moving in slow motion. I am going to fight this! I am going to try to take the “mind over matter” approach and push myself as hard as I can.
No fast food
This is about all I can commit to! I have 101 things going on. I eat fast food well, because it’s FAST! In the midst of living a very fast-paced lifestyle it is easy to pick up something unhealthy to eat.
Writing everyday includes my book, songs, and finishing Act I of my script.
Cook every Sunday
When the kids were younger and I was working 3 jobs I would cook for the week on Sundays. I would make about 3 meats and 2 sides then pick up can goods to pop open later in the week. This made life so much easier. We would have healthy food ready everyday.
Promote my Kickstarter campaign everyday (www.sheseven.com)
The deadline for my Kickstarter project is April 7th. I have about 38 days to promo hard and raise the remaining funds for the project. I am kicking it into high gear, dropping all pride, and reaching out to as many people as I can.
Maybe I will blog everyday…#shrug….who knows! I don’t want to over commit myself because I would be setting myself up for failure! This challenge is about setting yourself up for success!
LEAVE A COMMENT……What will you do for the 2012 MMM Challenge?
Somewhere around October 2010 I started a writing circle at my house called “Soul Sessions.” The idea came from the thought that we as poets perform around each other all of the time but we rarely get to write around each other unless we’re on a slam team. We have been going a year strong and Soul Sessions now travels from home to home of community members allowing flexibility in location and invitees.
Last night we kicked off the year strong with the first Soul Sessions of 2012 hosted by Valerie Chepp. Each host gets to put their own stamp on Soul Sessions wherein they get to invite their friends, provide their favorite foods, and come up with a writing prompt. Valerie’s prompt was geared toward writing with a partner and receiving feedback from the group. The partner writing went as follows:
- Write two of your positive traits and two of your negative traits
- Write 3 images that come to mind when you think of each trait
- Share your traits with your partner
- Write their traits and 3 images for that come to mind for each of their traits.
- Using the traits and images listed imagine they create one person
- Use this person as a muse for a poem or short story BUT we could not use the actual word for the trait. We could use the images, but not the actual trait.
This opened up a realm of imagination I did not foresee. Jill Scott’s Pandora station was vibrating in the background while the veggie pot stickers, popcorn, chocolate chip cookies and half full wine glasses made for the ultimate creative ambience. After writing, each person shared their with the whole group and we had a feedback session for each person. During the feedback session we tried to figure which traits the partners had written about each other. The conversations inspired by the poems ranged from being detached from emotions to reality vs. fantasy. The friendly conversation continued into the night. We ended with hugs and words of encouragement.
We will see everybody next month Feb. 11th hosted by Deneice Pope (Petworth station) with an erotic theme! Tis the moth of love! Bring your imagination and creativity.
Regret Nothing | Write Everything