Myth 1: You complete me
If someone says this to you…RUN! OR make sure that you are an incomplete person who is looking for another incomplete person. When you read that out loud it sounds absolutely ridiculous. If you are looking to fall in love or find love and haven’t yet this is possibly your problem. Become whole and complement one another. Unless you are an incomplete person hearing the words “you complete me” will not be the moment you decide this person is the “ONE.” Complement me don’t complete me. I am already a whole person. This is a great transition into the next myth.
Myth 2: I am looking for the ONE
Being that you will be a part of at least two relationships where you feel completely satisfied with the someone and they won’t be so satisfied with you it is not realistic that there is a “ONE” out there. It could be the “first kiss” crush from elementary school to the high school sweetheart or even the college mate. The relationship could have lasted a short three days, but for that three days of agreement you felt like he/she was the ONE. You were perfectly correct! Even though you were considered too young to be kissing, or too old to be letting go of such a long relationship you still considered yourself lucky to have them! Once you noticed that he pees on the toilet seat or she does not cook you probably became less in like therefore less in love. Then determined that this person is not the ONE after all. This is not true. They were the ONE for that time period. That’s completely OK. Now on to the next ONE.
Myth 3: Love is all we need
BULLSHIT! Love is an emotion and just like all emotions, guess what…IT WILL PASS! It will come back, then go away, then pass, then go away. In the moments that love has passed you will find yourself actually trying to relate. “Relate” is the root word of “relationship” however people forget all about this when they have the overwhelming “love” bug. You know the one where all you can hear, eat, breath or think about is THEM…the ONE….then you sit in the pee he left on the toilet seat or get hungry and look for her to cook a meal and realize you don’t know if you like them so much. If something happens once or twice it’s considered an incident, but when habits become routine it should be considered a part of your personality. Evaluate each personality you feel overwhelmingly in love with for compatibility. Can you last 20 years sitting in pee or not having a hot meal from the one you love? Will your ideas of family fit into that space? Is this person a dirty person? Is this person forgetful? Do you want to clean up after them or always be the ONE cooking? The biggest question…”IS THIS RELATIONSHIP SUSTAINABLE.”
Myth 4: If you love me you would….
If you have to say this what you probably mean is “if you like what I want you to do or are able to like me enough to just do what I want then you would do it.” This is rooted in instant gratification. We all want it. We all need it. The momentary “I will do anything you want me to do because I love you so much.” Emotion is measured by action. If you’re sad I wouldn’t know you’re sad unless you say or act sad. We think the same of love. If you don’t do something like marry me, buy me gifts randomly, or create a romantic atmosphere of some sort you don’t love me. We have to ask ourselves questions about the relationship we seek/allow. We feel like we’re in love in a matter of weeks due to the way we are treated. Some people actually marry each other in a few weeks and it works for them. You may not be that exception. Stop trying to be. Love does not look like a particular action that takes place a few times a year. It’s actually a feeling. Feelings motivate you to be romantic, to spend time with a person, to hold them, to be there when they need you, and to just be a part of their lives holistically. The ideas of love in one person have to complement the ideas of love in another. The actions of love look very similar across relationships of all sorts. Think about it. What does the media tell us love looks like? We use these images as our definitions of love. The most widely known and marketed ways of love is what we determine is our own way of showing love and being in love.
Myth 5: I love you but I am not “in love” with you
love is to feet wet as “in love” is to underwater
love is to warm as “in love” is to fire
love leads to exclusive dating as “in love” leads to marriage
love is to like a lot as “in love” is to like a lot more than anybody
If you have ever defined love as something you are inside of, outside of, sitting around, on top of, or under you are delusional. In fact, if you refer to love as any type of locale whether relative or geographical you are delusional. I have also been this person. Love is a feeling. It is triggered by experiences. Most of these experiences are not new. They come from childhood, previous romantic and/or platonic relationships. When people become conscious of the fact that a sustainable relationship is not possible with a person they are involved with they will consider themselves falling out of love. How much does this say about falling in love? Is love something we feel we can take our time with? Has the media put us on notice that everyone whether male or female has a love clock ticking? Maybe they are right! Maybe they are on to something, however it’s not the something shone so plainly in the happy ending of a movie. It is the portion of the movie that is too long and boring to show. The part where the person keeps a running checklist of the “likes” and “don’t likes” of the relationship they’ve chosen. It’s the part where he pees on the toilet and you clean it 100 times all the while head over heels in love, then the 101 time you decide you don’t want to make to the 1000th time. It’s the part where your “going out” budget is becoming overwhelmingly taxing on your lifestyle all because she can’t cook. You begin to realize that you can’t eat out forever. You realize that you’re getting older and fatter all because your woman can’t cook. These things sound so minute in the first two years of a relationship. They end up being the simple death of lots of relationships.
Of course your thing may not be peeing on the toilet or cooking, but there’s some quirk about you that makes you an unsustainable mate for someone. However that someone has to determine this before riding off into the sunset with you then wanting to ditch you by morning.
If you would like to be in a committed relationship that leads to marriage consider actually focusing on relating! By this I mean don’t start unsustainable actions to impress someone. Don’t begin a romantic routine you can’t keep up. Notice that this person does not have the lifestyle that best fits you early on in dating. Be conscious about what you really want. Use paper and pen to write down what you think you want then re-evaluate after each relationship. Meet, greet, relate, reflect, move!
Thank you for reading!